You can't always get what you want

As a Stones fan, I've been listening to their Greatest Hits the last couple of weeks. And I keep finding myself really drawn into the song You Can't Always Get What you Want.

If you don't know that song: A. What is wrong with you? B. Go listen to it right now.

The chorus is iconic, to the point that, I confess I've heard it so many times that I haven't really paid attention to it in years. And yet today on the way to church I really listened to it and it resonated with me.

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Now friends, there was something I really wanted about a year ago, and it was the job that I currently have.  I prayed for this job and I went after it with everything I had. And I got it. I. GOT. IT. 

So we moved to Dallas, and the kids went to pre-school and I began to get back into the rhythms of working and overall it has been so, so good. Good job, good co-workers, good church, good opportunities for kids, good to be able to help my parents some in this season, good to be back in the metroplex, good, good, good. 

All of this good made it very surprising when last week I found myself in a super funk. I had a few meetings with folks that weren't very good, northwest hwy was shut down to one lane (one lane, people!) for several days in a row, there was discontent growing in my home, and the kids started a new school. One of my kids is doing great, the other one is filled anxiety about change and wants to move back to the panhandle and go back "to our small church with all of our friends." All of this wasn't anything catastrophic. It was all relatively small and yet it took hold of me in a way I can't quite describe. 

And I spiraled very quickly from mild irritation to full on super sadness. I was lamenting my choices, lamenting the changes that my choices have brought about for my kids and my husband, lamenting Dallas and all of it's damn traffic and stress. I was lamenting over things that I feel are lacking in my new church home. I missed Borger and the simplicity that was our lives there. I missed our beautiful house on our quiet street and my garden and our koi pond. I missed our friends and our little church there and how easy it was to find connection.

Why was this happening, I wondered? Isn't this what I wanted? Why was it all so hard, then? Had I been wrong to want this? Had I made a mistake? What the hell was wrong with me?

In the midst of turmoil I did what I do when I am typically sad and worried and I instigated a fight with Dylan on the way out the door to church. Very helpful, healthy behavior, obviously.

On my short commute  I began to think about how things weren't going super great and how poorly I was handling everything.

Isn't this what you wanted, I asked myself. Then why are you struggling so?

And it occurred to me that of course things were going to be hard. Of course there was going to be trials and tribulations. Of course traffic is kinda bad and of course as a family a move and a job change and first times at school and a return to the workforce after almost 4 years away was going to be anxiety inducing. It's all a lot of change for our little family. 

It is ok to be sad, to mourn what was, to question and to struggle. It's ok to lament. It's ok to catch yourself in the midst of some major spiraling and wonder how did I get here again, Lord? 

The miraculous thing was, unlike so many times before, I did not beat myself up. I didn't get angry with myself or give into further despair. I simply recognized where I was, sat with my feelings of sadness, allowed space for the grief that comes with even the best of changes, and asked for help. 

My tendency is to stew in sadness, to get angry with myself and others when all is not perfect. My default setting is self hatred. That's where I go when I'm struggling. I'm the worst and this is all my fault. But today, I was able to gently sit with myself and quietly forgive all the junk that comes up when I'm sad or mad or frustrated. I was able to say ok, things are not perfect, it does not change how excited and blessed I am to be here. It does not change that I know, that I know, that I know, that this is exactly the space/place for me and that I am overwhelmingly blessed to be here.

I get into trouble when I stuff down my feelings and avoid them. I become wounded and so I wound others. It is not life giving to ignore what's happening in my life and my heart.

What is life giving is awareness. Awareness of my situation and of my feelings, awareness of my breathing, awareness of the ache on the right side of my neck and to simply allow myself to feel how I feel and to then move on in kindness and in love.

I am confident in the call of my life.I am confident that I am in the right place for now, and that all is well in spite of some of the crap in the details.

If I keep waiting on everything to be perfect before I am happy then I will literally never be happy.

Today is a gift. And after I recognized and was gentle to myself and all the crap that's going on inside me I was able to have a really lovely morning in worship, I was able to hear a beautiful message crafted by a sweet friend, I was able to be in community and be thankful.

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just mind find, you get what you need. 

What I need is love. What I need is purpose. What I need is to recognize joy in the face of hardships.

Right now, in this moment, I have every single thing I will ever need. And I am grateful. 

On my way home from work today, I'm going to listen to the Stones and St. Keith Richard and St. Mick Jagger, I'm going to pick up some beer for poor put upon Dylan, I'm going to be present in the moment, instead of stewing on the past or fretting over the future.

I am at home in this world and in my heart today. I hope today finds you feeling at home as well. 

Rhythm of Life

I’ve been spending a lot of time visiting hospitals as of late.

It’s an interesting place, the hospital.  It’s like all of humanity and its joys and hurts and brokenness merge together in one space. I’ve encountered people over the last month who are walking with their loved ones through death and I’ve encountered people who are bringing their loved ones home in good health. These institutions contain the best days of our lives and the worst.

The veil between life and death is so thin in this place. And it has made me think a lot about death and dying and the way that we in the western world so thoroughly avoid these topics.  It’s difficult to think about dying, so we just don’t.

I think about other cultures and the funerals I’ve seen on the news where there is wailing and lamenting and a sea of people transparently grieving in the streets. And there was a time when I judged those people. How primitive of them, to act that way. To actually admit their brokenness in public like that, how non PC of them.

The closer death comes to my heart and life, the more open I am to sitting with my own mortality, the more I recognize that we are the primitive ones, not the folks who are true to themselves and their grief.

We try to be so controlled don’t we? Funerals in churches, wearing our finest black clothes, no viewing of the body, quiet weeping into tissues, trying to hold it all together. How sterile, how broken we are when a widow apologizes for weeping at her own spouse’s funeral.

There is a distance between us and death, we try to separate ourselves from grief and hurt. And it only winds up creating more grief and hurt and feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Death comes for all of us at some point. That’s one of a handful of things that ties us to the rest of humanity and the rest of the natural world really. We were all born and we will all die.

And somehow this brings me great comfort. Death is a part of the journey we are all on. It’s the natural, normal progression of things. From ashes we came and to ashes we return. 

So, why not grieve in earnest? Why not be transparent in our lamentations of this short life?

Our connection to one another and to the Holy is so vital during the hard spaces in our lives. How can we not reach out and connect? Why would we ever try to hide our grief? What good does that do us or anyone else?

We have a choice each day whether we live in transparency or whether we hide our true selves.

Today I choose to live in transparency. I choose to connect and be in the midst of life and death. To recognize that there is space for both in my heart and in my mind. To extend a hand of help to those in grief. To walk alongside whomever is in my path today, to look them in the eyes and see their story and my own story and the story of all of humanity. 

Life and death. Birth and decay. Beauty and sadness.

May you be present today to whatever is going on in your life and in your heart. May you not shy away from grief but embrace it and learn from it and be open and honest about it. May you connect with others and enter into the rhythm of a life shared in honest community. 
And may you find joy and peace and comfort even in the midst of brokenness. 

When Fear Defines Us

I wonder, as so many of you have  been wondering, what my response to terrorism should be. And honestly there is a part of me that is afraid. Afraid of that kind of hatred, afraid of what our world looks like, afraid of how to explain these kinds of events to my children.

Fear is a normal response when something terrible happens. Fear and our flight or fight instincts kept us alive for thousands of years. Fear is not an unhealthy feeling. But, fear becomes unhealthy when we are defined by it.

It does not escape me that this latest terrorist attack has occurred during Holy Week. The most sacred and celebrated week of the Christian calendar. And as I sit with these feelings and think about fear and anger and the climate of our culture I am reminded that there was a lot of fear in Holy Week for Jesus. Fear of dying a terrible death, anger at the money changers in the temple, a plea for there to be another way, frustration with his friends, betrayal by those closest to him, murder and madness all around him ...

However, what Jesus models for us as he lives through this very dark time in his life is a contemplative process that we should very much pay attention to in these uncertain times.

Yes, he is afraid. Yes, he gets angry. Yes, he pleas for a different end than crucifixion. And yet, he is still crucified. And yet, throughout the week he prays, and lives in community with his friends, and cries out to God, and suffers and spends time alone and breaks bread at the table, and is betrayed, and yet, he chooses to love.

His response, during the hardest, scariest time of his life is to love. He goes through the process of fear and anger and frustration but, he keeps his heart on God and his response is love.

Jesus does not let fear define him. Jesus is not motivated by revenge. Jesus' final act as a human being is sacrificial and it is beautiful and it is an act of pure unadulterated love.

And it strikes me that during this week, this holiest of weeks, that my response to terror also needs to be love. That while I am afraid, letting fear define me and motivate me just creates more anger and terror in this world. If I lose sight of humanity and grace and kindness, and all the good and beautiful things of this world, then the terrorists have won and love has lost.

I am disturbed by terrorism, yes. But, what disturbs me more is us as a country and as a society responding out of fear.

What disturbs me more is a man running for the highest office in this country playing off of our fears. A man that suggests that committing war crimes and building a wall are the right course of action because we are afraid.

Friends, will we let fear define us? Will we become a people who hates the other, who in our response to great tragedy wind up creating more tragedy by letting fear motivate us? Will we become a country who allows anger to be our default setting?

Are we ok with disavowing a whole religion because of the actions of a very few fringe members?

I am disturbed by people who claim Jesus and who are frothing at the mouth to eradicate thousands of people, who cheer when it is suggested that we murder terrorist's families, who are walking through this Holy Week with nothing but rage and revenge guiding them.

If we become a country of people who are motivated by fear, if we surrender reason and goodness to madness and let ourselves become a people who are governed by vengeance, if we ignore the problems in our own society and culture and solely blame others for our issues, if we advocate violence against the innocent then are we really any better than those who commit terrorist acts?

Let this week, this sacred, sacrificial, community and grace and hope in the face of great darkness, week be your guide as we walk through these troubling times.

Hold on to love in the face of fear. Let's love our neighbors, and our families, and our co-workers and everyone we come across a little bit better in spite of the fear.

Only love can cast out hate. Only grace and kindness can heal our hardened hearts.

May we be a people that live our lives as if every week were Holy Week. May we love strongly and more fully in the face of pain and tragedy. May we not give in to anger. May we seek to better understand those who are different. May we be a people that stand for love.

Blessings on your Holy Week.

Let your heart find courage in the good news:

Love Wins. Love Always Wins.