If you don't know that song: A. What is wrong with you? B. Go listen to it right now.
The chorus is iconic, to the point that, I confess I've heard it so many times that I haven't really paid attention to it in years. And yet today on the way to church I really listened to it and it resonated with me.
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need
Now friends, there was something I really wanted about a year ago, and it was the job that I currently have. I prayed for this job and I went after it with everything I had. And I got it. I. GOT. IT.
So we moved to Dallas, and the kids went to pre-school and I began to get back into the rhythms of working and overall it has been so, so good. Good job, good co-workers, good church, good opportunities for kids, good to be able to help my parents some in this season, good to be back in the metroplex, good, good, good.
All of this good made it very surprising when last week I found myself in a super funk. I had a few meetings with folks that weren't very good, northwest hwy was shut down to one lane (one lane, people!) for several days in a row, there was discontent growing in my home, and the kids started a new school. One of my kids is doing great, the other one is filled anxiety about change and wants to move back to the panhandle and go back "to our small church with all of our friends." All of this wasn't anything catastrophic. It was all relatively small and yet it took hold of me in a way I can't quite describe.
And I spiraled very quickly from mild irritation to full on super sadness. I was lamenting my choices, lamenting the changes that my choices have brought about for my kids and my husband, lamenting Dallas and all of it's damn traffic and stress. I was lamenting over things that I feel are lacking in my new church home. I missed Borger and the simplicity that was our lives there. I missed our beautiful house on our quiet street and my garden and our koi pond. I missed our friends and our little church there and how easy it was to find connection.
Why was this happening, I wondered? Isn't this what I wanted? Why was it all so hard, then? Had I been wrong to want this? Had I made a mistake? What the hell was wrong with me?
In the midst of turmoil I did what I do when I am typically sad and worried and I instigated a fight with Dylan on the way out the door to church. Very helpful, healthy behavior, obviously.
On my short commute I began to think about how things weren't going super great and how poorly I was handling everything.
Isn't this what you wanted, I asked myself. Then why are you struggling so?
And it occurred to me that of course things were going to be hard. Of course there was going to be trials and tribulations. Of course traffic is kinda bad and of course as a family a move and a job change and first times at school and a return to the workforce after almost 4 years away was going to be anxiety inducing. It's all a lot of change for our little family.
It is ok to be sad, to mourn what was, to question and to struggle. It's ok to lament. It's ok to catch yourself in the midst of some major spiraling and wonder how did I get here again, Lord?
The miraculous thing was, unlike so many times before, I did not beat myself up. I didn't get angry with myself or give into further despair. I simply recognized where I was, sat with my feelings of sadness, allowed space for the grief that comes with even the best of changes, and asked for help.
My tendency is to stew in sadness, to get angry with myself and others when all is not perfect. My default setting is self hatred. That's where I go when I'm struggling. I'm the worst and this is all my fault. But today, I was able to gently sit with myself and quietly forgive all the junk that comes up when I'm sad or mad or frustrated. I was able to say ok, things are not perfect, it does not change how excited and blessed I am to be here. It does not change that I know, that I know, that I know, that this is exactly the space/place for me and that I am overwhelmingly blessed to be here.
I get into trouble when I stuff down my feelings and avoid them. I become wounded and so I wound others. It is not life giving to ignore what's happening in my life and my heart.
What is life giving is awareness. Awareness of my situation and of my feelings, awareness of my breathing, awareness of the ache on the right side of my neck and to simply allow myself to feel how I feel and to then move on in kindness and in love.
I am confident in the call of my life.I am confident that I am in the right place for now, and that all is well in spite of some of the crap in the details.
If I keep waiting on everything to be perfect before I am happy then I will literally never be happy.
Today is a gift. And after I recognized and was gentle to myself and all the crap that's going on inside me I was able to have a really lovely morning in worship, I was able to hear a beautiful message crafted by a sweet friend, I was able to be in community and be thankful.
You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just mind find, you get what you need.
What I need is love. What I need is purpose. What I need is to recognize joy in the face of hardships.
Right now, in this moment, I have every single thing I will ever need. And I am grateful.
On my way home from work today, I'm going to listen to the Stones and St. Keith Richard and St. Mick Jagger, I'm going to pick up some beer for poor put upon Dylan, I'm going to be present in the moment, instead of stewing on the past or fretting over the future.
I am at home in this world and in my heart today. I hope today finds you feeling at home as well.
