You can't always get what you want

As a Stones fan, I've been listening to their Greatest Hits the last couple of weeks. And I keep finding myself really drawn into the song You Can't Always Get What you Want.

If you don't know that song: A. What is wrong with you? B. Go listen to it right now.

The chorus is iconic, to the point that, I confess I've heard it so many times that I haven't really paid attention to it in years. And yet today on the way to church I really listened to it and it resonated with me.

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Now friends, there was something I really wanted about a year ago, and it was the job that I currently have.  I prayed for this job and I went after it with everything I had. And I got it. I. GOT. IT. 

So we moved to Dallas, and the kids went to pre-school and I began to get back into the rhythms of working and overall it has been so, so good. Good job, good co-workers, good church, good opportunities for kids, good to be able to help my parents some in this season, good to be back in the metroplex, good, good, good. 

All of this good made it very surprising when last week I found myself in a super funk. I had a few meetings with folks that weren't very good, northwest hwy was shut down to one lane (one lane, people!) for several days in a row, there was discontent growing in my home, and the kids started a new school. One of my kids is doing great, the other one is filled anxiety about change and wants to move back to the panhandle and go back "to our small church with all of our friends." All of this wasn't anything catastrophic. It was all relatively small and yet it took hold of me in a way I can't quite describe. 

And I spiraled very quickly from mild irritation to full on super sadness. I was lamenting my choices, lamenting the changes that my choices have brought about for my kids and my husband, lamenting Dallas and all of it's damn traffic and stress. I was lamenting over things that I feel are lacking in my new church home. I missed Borger and the simplicity that was our lives there. I missed our beautiful house on our quiet street and my garden and our koi pond. I missed our friends and our little church there and how easy it was to find connection.

Why was this happening, I wondered? Isn't this what I wanted? Why was it all so hard, then? Had I been wrong to want this? Had I made a mistake? What the hell was wrong with me?

In the midst of turmoil I did what I do when I am typically sad and worried and I instigated a fight with Dylan on the way out the door to church. Very helpful, healthy behavior, obviously.

On my short commute  I began to think about how things weren't going super great and how poorly I was handling everything.

Isn't this what you wanted, I asked myself. Then why are you struggling so?

And it occurred to me that of course things were going to be hard. Of course there was going to be trials and tribulations. Of course traffic is kinda bad and of course as a family a move and a job change and first times at school and a return to the workforce after almost 4 years away was going to be anxiety inducing. It's all a lot of change for our little family. 

It is ok to be sad, to mourn what was, to question and to struggle. It's ok to lament. It's ok to catch yourself in the midst of some major spiraling and wonder how did I get here again, Lord? 

The miraculous thing was, unlike so many times before, I did not beat myself up. I didn't get angry with myself or give into further despair. I simply recognized where I was, sat with my feelings of sadness, allowed space for the grief that comes with even the best of changes, and asked for help. 

My tendency is to stew in sadness, to get angry with myself and others when all is not perfect. My default setting is self hatred. That's where I go when I'm struggling. I'm the worst and this is all my fault. But today, I was able to gently sit with myself and quietly forgive all the junk that comes up when I'm sad or mad or frustrated. I was able to say ok, things are not perfect, it does not change how excited and blessed I am to be here. It does not change that I know, that I know, that I know, that this is exactly the space/place for me and that I am overwhelmingly blessed to be here.

I get into trouble when I stuff down my feelings and avoid them. I become wounded and so I wound others. It is not life giving to ignore what's happening in my life and my heart.

What is life giving is awareness. Awareness of my situation and of my feelings, awareness of my breathing, awareness of the ache on the right side of my neck and to simply allow myself to feel how I feel and to then move on in kindness and in love.

I am confident in the call of my life.I am confident that I am in the right place for now, and that all is well in spite of some of the crap in the details.

If I keep waiting on everything to be perfect before I am happy then I will literally never be happy.

Today is a gift. And after I recognized and was gentle to myself and all the crap that's going on inside me I was able to have a really lovely morning in worship, I was able to hear a beautiful message crafted by a sweet friend, I was able to be in community and be thankful.

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just mind find, you get what you need. 

What I need is love. What I need is purpose. What I need is to recognize joy in the face of hardships.

Right now, in this moment, I have every single thing I will ever need. And I am grateful. 

On my way home from work today, I'm going to listen to the Stones and St. Keith Richard and St. Mick Jagger, I'm going to pick up some beer for poor put upon Dylan, I'm going to be present in the moment, instead of stewing on the past or fretting over the future.

I am at home in this world and in my heart today. I hope today finds you feeling at home as well. 

Rhythm of Life

I’ve been spending a lot of time visiting hospitals as of late.

It’s an interesting place, the hospital.  It’s like all of humanity and its joys and hurts and brokenness merge together in one space. I’ve encountered people over the last month who are walking with their loved ones through death and I’ve encountered people who are bringing their loved ones home in good health. These institutions contain the best days of our lives and the worst.

The veil between life and death is so thin in this place. And it has made me think a lot about death and dying and the way that we in the western world so thoroughly avoid these topics.  It’s difficult to think about dying, so we just don’t.

I think about other cultures and the funerals I’ve seen on the news where there is wailing and lamenting and a sea of people transparently grieving in the streets. And there was a time when I judged those people. How primitive of them, to act that way. To actually admit their brokenness in public like that, how non PC of them.

The closer death comes to my heart and life, the more open I am to sitting with my own mortality, the more I recognize that we are the primitive ones, not the folks who are true to themselves and their grief.

We try to be so controlled don’t we? Funerals in churches, wearing our finest black clothes, no viewing of the body, quiet weeping into tissues, trying to hold it all together. How sterile, how broken we are when a widow apologizes for weeping at her own spouse’s funeral.

There is a distance between us and death, we try to separate ourselves from grief and hurt. And it only winds up creating more grief and hurt and feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Death comes for all of us at some point. That’s one of a handful of things that ties us to the rest of humanity and the rest of the natural world really. We were all born and we will all die.

And somehow this brings me great comfort. Death is a part of the journey we are all on. It’s the natural, normal progression of things. From ashes we came and to ashes we return. 

So, why not grieve in earnest? Why not be transparent in our lamentations of this short life?

Our connection to one another and to the Holy is so vital during the hard spaces in our lives. How can we not reach out and connect? Why would we ever try to hide our grief? What good does that do us or anyone else?

We have a choice each day whether we live in transparency or whether we hide our true selves.

Today I choose to live in transparency. I choose to connect and be in the midst of life and death. To recognize that there is space for both in my heart and in my mind. To extend a hand of help to those in grief. To walk alongside whomever is in my path today, to look them in the eyes and see their story and my own story and the story of all of humanity. 

Life and death. Birth and decay. Beauty and sadness.

May you be present today to whatever is going on in your life and in your heart. May you not shy away from grief but embrace it and learn from it and be open and honest about it. May you connect with others and enter into the rhythm of a life shared in honest community. 
And may you find joy and peace and comfort even in the midst of brokenness. 

When Fear Defines Us

I wonder, as so many of you have  been wondering, what my response to terrorism should be. And honestly there is a part of me that is afraid. Afraid of that kind of hatred, afraid of what our world looks like, afraid of how to explain these kinds of events to my children.

Fear is a normal response when something terrible happens. Fear and our flight or fight instincts kept us alive for thousands of years. Fear is not an unhealthy feeling. But, fear becomes unhealthy when we are defined by it.

It does not escape me that this latest terrorist attack has occurred during Holy Week. The most sacred and celebrated week of the Christian calendar. And as I sit with these feelings and think about fear and anger and the climate of our culture I am reminded that there was a lot of fear in Holy Week for Jesus. Fear of dying a terrible death, anger at the money changers in the temple, a plea for there to be another way, frustration with his friends, betrayal by those closest to him, murder and madness all around him ...

However, what Jesus models for us as he lives through this very dark time in his life is a contemplative process that we should very much pay attention to in these uncertain times.

Yes, he is afraid. Yes, he gets angry. Yes, he pleas for a different end than crucifixion. And yet, he is still crucified. And yet, throughout the week he prays, and lives in community with his friends, and cries out to God, and suffers and spends time alone and breaks bread at the table, and is betrayed, and yet, he chooses to love.

His response, during the hardest, scariest time of his life is to love. He goes through the process of fear and anger and frustration but, he keeps his heart on God and his response is love.

Jesus does not let fear define him. Jesus is not motivated by revenge. Jesus' final act as a human being is sacrificial and it is beautiful and it is an act of pure unadulterated love.

And it strikes me that during this week, this holiest of weeks, that my response to terror also needs to be love. That while I am afraid, letting fear define me and motivate me just creates more anger and terror in this world. If I lose sight of humanity and grace and kindness, and all the good and beautiful things of this world, then the terrorists have won and love has lost.

I am disturbed by terrorism, yes. But, what disturbs me more is us as a country and as a society responding out of fear.

What disturbs me more is a man running for the highest office in this country playing off of our fears. A man that suggests that committing war crimes and building a wall are the right course of action because we are afraid.

Friends, will we let fear define us? Will we become a people who hates the other, who in our response to great tragedy wind up creating more tragedy by letting fear motivate us? Will we become a country who allows anger to be our default setting?

Are we ok with disavowing a whole religion because of the actions of a very few fringe members?

I am disturbed by people who claim Jesus and who are frothing at the mouth to eradicate thousands of people, who cheer when it is suggested that we murder terrorist's families, who are walking through this Holy Week with nothing but rage and revenge guiding them.

If we become a country of people who are motivated by fear, if we surrender reason and goodness to madness and let ourselves become a people who are governed by vengeance, if we ignore the problems in our own society and culture and solely blame others for our issues, if we advocate violence against the innocent then are we really any better than those who commit terrorist acts?

Let this week, this sacred, sacrificial, community and grace and hope in the face of great darkness, week be your guide as we walk through these troubling times.

Hold on to love in the face of fear. Let's love our neighbors, and our families, and our co-workers and everyone we come across a little bit better in spite of the fear.

Only love can cast out hate. Only grace and kindness can heal our hardened hearts.

May we be a people that live our lives as if every week were Holy Week. May we love strongly and more fully in the face of pain and tragedy. May we not give in to anger. May we seek to better understand those who are different. May we be a people that stand for love.

Blessings on your Holy Week.

Let your heart find courage in the good news:

Love Wins. Love Always Wins.

Cracked

In preparing for our upcoming move I have been carefully packing all of our worldly possessions. This is our 3rd move in about 2 years, and I've come to think of myself as kind of a packing pro. I carefully wrap everything up in dish towels or newspaper so that

 it will all fit just so.

Today I was putting all of my spiritual direction things in a box. Quietly reminiscing and giving thanks for each item and each person behind the item. And that's when it happened, I dropped my oh so carefully wrapped bowl and it broke in two before I even got it into the box.

As I stared at it in disbelief  I began to panic. This was given to me at our graduation by the spiritual direction board members. I have used it many times to hold anointing oil and it always sits on my dresser because I love and cherish it.

 In my panic, all I could think of was gluing it back together. Of making it whole again. 

So, I grabbed my hot glue gun and desperately tried to fix it. This was ill advised as hot glue doesn't really jive very well with ceramics and if I had taken a moment and just thought about it I probably could have come up with a better solution. But, all I could think of was my beautiful bowl and the beautiful people and memories behind it and in my sadness and impatience I hastily tried to fix it.

While the two pieces were now back together, there was also a dried line of ugly hot glue running down the center of them. I began to tear up as I realized that one of my favorite little things would never again serve it's original purpose of helping anoint people. It would always be flawed.

I cried for a little while (ok, a long while). And as I was crying I began to think of this move in a very negative light. I thought of all the things we are leaving behind, I pictured the new pre-school my kids would be attending and convinced myself that it would be horrible and that I was horrible for going back to work, I thought of how much I miss my spiritual director friends and our monthly class and I began to dwell on how another move means another round of boxes and moving vans, and another round of making new friends and settling into another home for our family.

 I felt as if I was ruining everything, just as I had ruined my little bowl. 

It was bleak, friends....and it was not even 9:00 am yet!

As I sat and looked at my poor little bowl (and continued to wallow in my sad pity party) I had the sudden realization that I am a lot like it. I've fallen a part a time or two and tried to glue myself hastily together because when it really comes down to it what I fear

 more than anything is brokenness.

The bowl no longer looks perfect,  I too no longer look perfect.

In fact I have more than a few cracks and as my life changes and as the Spirit shifts   

my purpose shifts and changes as well. 

And I began to look at my little bowl as a thing of beauty. Brokenness and our ability to recognize it and sit quietly with it does not mean that we are not whole. My ability to admit my brokenness and turn to God are what in fact make me whole. I so often sloppily try to pull myself together instead of recognizing brokenness as an opportunity to learn and to grow and to become more myself in Christ. 

When hard things happen, will I move forward with courage? 

Or will I throw it all away because of a few unexpected cracks? 

I carefully re-wrapped my bowl and put it in the box. I am bringing it with me, imperfections and all. 

May you remember that in brokenness there is great possibility. May you recognize that although you may have a few cracks, you are still whole.  And may you go forward, beautifully flawed, not ashamed of your imperfections but thankful. 

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me

    because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
    heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
    pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—

    and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
    give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
    a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness”
    planted by God to display his glory.
They’ll rebuild the old ruins,
    raise a new city out of the wreckage.

The things we cling to

The other day we had a church clean-up day...and it was enlightening. We've been in the same building for something like 5 decades and during that time we've accumulated some clutter. Being a non-sentimental person, it was interesting to me to see the different factions of people we had trying to clean out the church. There were a few others like me who wanted to quickly separate items into three piles: trash, garage sale, and things to keep. There were a few others who were a little more deliberate in their sorting through. And then there were a few who did not want to let go of anything. It was pretty fascinating to see all the different folks and all our different ways of deeming what was important and what wasn't.

As I sat there amidst piles of stuff, I began to think about the things we all cling to.

Material objects aren't really my deal. I purge our home often and without much thought. We've moved a lot recently and if I don't need it, I ain't taking it.

I don't cling to religion or to political ideals. Both of those things should be constantly changing and evolving since we as people should be constantly changing and evolving. I don't believe the same things I did a few years ago and that's as it should be, I think.

Where I find it hard to let go, is in my relationships with others. If I love you then I am loyal. If you are one of my people, then I'm with you till the end. Recently though, I'm becoming more aware about the flaw in this way of thinking.

Not too long ago, I had a friend who was a best friend. They were funny and smart and loyal. They liked all the same crap that I liked, we served together in ministry and lived our lives together. And then something pretty major happened in their lives and I witnessed this person whom I loved so much (for lack of a better word) just implode. I really tried to intervene and help and encourage and my efforts were rebuffed (as were the efforts of many others who loved this person). And I've had to watch from afar as this individual continues to make catastrophic decision after catastrophic decision. It's been terrible, truly heart wrenching and terrible to behold.

I've spent time worrying and fretting. I've spent time being angry and resentful. I've spent time judging them and their circumstances. I've spent time praying and crying. My time and energy and efforts have been given to this person... even though they'd made it clear they no longer wanted those things from me.

And until I sat in the midst of our clutter at church a few weeks ago, it never occurred to me just how harmful the things we cling to can be.

When our homes and our buildings are over run with things we no longer need we are being bogged down by possessions and we are robbing others who may genuinely need these things an opportunity to have them.

When we cling to rhetoric and religion, instead of allowing ourselves room to grow and room to hear new ideas and thoughts then we become people who are stuck in what was instead of being people who can embrace with love the world around us.

In clinging to a relationship that had long ago turned one sided, I was robbing myself of new relationships that were two sided. I was mired down in anger and fear and giving way too much of my time to something that had passed it's expiration date quite a while ago.

This morning I woke up and I prayed that I could let this person go. I prayed that they would be blessed and loved in their new life. When I think of them now, I hope that it is in fond remembrance of the good things and the good times and not in what could or should have been.

I sat quietly and meditated on the people who are positive influences in my life and in my heart and I am so thankful for each of you and the beauty you bring to my life. As I sat picturing all of the people who love me well I was overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every one of you.

It's so easy to hold onto things. It's so easy to ignore the clutter. But, when we do that we run the risk of our homes and our beliefs and our lives being take over by unhealthy junk. We fail to see what is new and life giving when we are covered up in the old.

By letting go of what was we make room for what is. By releasing our expectations and our habits of doing things the same way we've always done them we open ourselves up to new love and new ideas and we open up space in our hearts for a God that is always changing and always inviting us to newness.

What are the things that have passed their expiration date that you are currently clinging to?

What clutter do you need to clear out of your heart so that you may have room for what is new and life giving?

May you have the courage to clean out what is no longer useful in your hearts today, friends. And may you be blessed by the knowledge that when you let something hurtful go, you are enabling yourself to embrace something new and hopeful and beautiful in its place.

Seeing Beauty

I am a pretty typical introvert. An INFP on the Myers Briggs to be exact. I can remember a time before I had kids when I would run to the grocery store and not speak to anyone. My goal was to get my stuff and go through the self check-out line and get the heck outta there. Speaking to strangers is not really my deal, I enjoy the anonymity of big cities and large crowds. If I know you and I love you then I will talk to you all day, if I'm leading a class or speaking to a crowd, then I have no problem connecting and being present. But, I am not typically super friendly to you if you are a random person at Walmart.

Which makes the fact that my daughter is the most extroverted, friendly person that I have ever known kind of hilarious and awkward for her introverted, introspective mamma. Lily likes everybody, everyone she meets is her new best friend...and so, our trips to the grocery store become long drawn out meet and greets with literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON that we happen upon. And as much as Lily loves people, people love Lily just as much, if not more so. Most of the time, when she is talking away at people, I just smile and stop briefly and say about as little as possible to them before moving on. I answer their questions about the kids, "No, they aren't twins." "No, we didn't mean to have them 13 months a part." "Yes, she is very friendly, isn't she?" and then we push on to the next aisle where we go through the same song and dance over and over again.

To be honest, I get a little stressed out having to speak to every dang person at United in Borger whilst in my 4 year old pre-baby yoga pants that probably have boogers on them.

This morning while we were at the little Farmers Market here in town Lily struck up a conversation with a very sweet lady. They talked and laughed and I nodded and smiled and tried to make sure Levi didn't run into the street. I wasn't really listening or super involved in what they were saying as I was thinking about all the things we needed to do that morning.

As we were loading back into the car Lily said to me "Wasn't that lady so beautiful, mom?" And this question gave me pause, because the person that we were speaking to was certainly very kind and pleasant and had a very inviting smile but was not someone who I would have identified as being beautiful in the traditional sense. I asked Lily then what made the lady beautiful and she responded to me "She had a very happy heart."

I looked at my child who is so young and yet so very wise and realized how much she truly sees people without judgement and with grace. She saw a person that I would have overlooked 9 times out of 10 and saw her for what she was, a woman of great beauty because of her happy heart.

Sometimes I see the world through very jaded, impatient eyes. I look at people and see income or education, I look at people and quickly categorize them. I deem others worthy or unworthy by how they look, when I see them at all, because most of the time I am to busy and in my head to even notice. And I miss out on truly seeing people and their hearts because of my own preconceived notions.

I am thankful for the opportunity I now have to view the world through the kindness and love of my kids and I hope that especially on a day like 9/11 we cease to see what separates us as people and we can see people across nations and cultures and religions and political affiliations as they are. People created in the image of God.

My prayer today is that we can all begin to look at people the way Lily looks at people. That I can be present to the beauty that is in each and every person. Jesus was so right on when he spoke of the little children inheriting the kingdom and how we each needed to be more like them.

May you see like a child today, friends. May you see someone's heart instead of just seeing their clothes and their position in society. And may you remember that all it takes to be beautiful is a happy heart.

Creation Creating

Have you ever been involved in the creative process of something big? What was that like for you? Being in on something you believe in. Giving life to something you dreamed up. For me, there is nothing better than being with other creative souls and coming up with something new and beautiful and exciting.

I think a lot about how amazing it is that God is not only "The Creator" but a creator who asks his creations to join him in his creating. :)

Right now there is a desperate need in our churches, our communities, our denominations and our homes for people who create.

We find ourselves drowning in cynicism. It is so easy to criticize the way so and so does things or the music on Sunday morning. It is much harder to look at church and life and instead of critiquing, creating.

Deep within each of us is something that is unique and lovely and wholly ours. Something that was placed in our hearts by the supreme creator. When we draw closer to God we draw closer to ourselves and the rhythm of creation. Being in union with God brings forth such amazing things.

On the other end of the spectrum though, are those that are far from God and far from themselves. Folks who are dry spiritually cease being fruitful. Instead of looking at life and saying what can I bring, they look at life and ask "What's in this for me?"

And we've all been there, haven't we? In that place where criticism rolls so easily off our tongues. Where we forget that we are invited to be a part of a community that relies on each other to be the hands and feet and eyes of the body of Christ. A body that does not work very well without all of it's parts.

I think of the Pharisees, so quick to abide by what had always been done, so eager to point out Jesus's flaws, not really doing anything to further Love but doing everything they can to keep up the status quo.

Whereas Jesus was giving. Life was flowing out of him. He didn't agree with the way church was being done in his time so he created something different. He created opportunities for people to learn, he created true community, he created in a way that made other people realize that they too could create.

Is there strife in your congregation? Do you feel like there is a war raging in your place of worship or your home? What is your solution to the discord of this life?

Cynicism is easy because it requires nothing of you but stinging words and a negative heart. There is no fruit that comes from being a critic.

Creation on the other hand, requires a lot of us. In fact, I'd say, it requires all of us. And the fruit that comes from putting forth all of your effort and heart into making something beautiful is just amazing. It is also hard and scary....but well worth the fear to be a true part of the Body.

What lies within you is so vital to the health of your church. You have the ability to create and to bring forth life and to honor God with the work of your hands and of your heart. What a wonderful God we serve, one who inspires and invites his creations to continue his work of making all things new in love.

“Pay close attention now: I’m creating new heavens and a new earth. All the earlier troubles, chaos, and pain are things of the past, to be forgotten. Look ahead with joy. Anticipate what I’m creating: I’ll create Jerusalem as sheer joy, create my people as pure delight." - Isaiah 65:17-18