Certainty in the Uncertain

The older I get the more that I am certain that I don't know very much. I remember being in my 20's and being adamant and so sure about so many things.

It's uncomfortable admitting that I don't know anything and that I haven't got it all figured out. Unknowing is a messy business.  It's vulnerable and requires me letting go of my expectations.

And man, that's a bummer because I feel pretty entitled to my expectations.

Thomas Merton once said "We are all beginners."  And I find a lot of solace in that statement in regards to my faith. I am very much a beginner and the sooner I accept that the sooner I find comfort in the fact that God is not a beginner. That the Holy One has it down. Which means that I can rest and just be open to what He/She is asking of me.

This week I find myself in a period of waiting and of relinquishing control. When I find myself in these times I usually do one of two things
1. Freak out
or
2. To be still

This time, surprisingly, I choose to be still.

In the stillness of the last few days I was able to hear and to see and to experience God. While I was seeing and hearing and experiencing God it gave me space to step out of my own drama and insecurities.

I am relieved that I don't know how all of this will turn out, I am at peace that God asks me to just be still in the middle of hard times so that I can cling to Him.

I am certain in my uncertainty that God Is and that I am not.