When Fear Defines Us

I wonder, as so many of you have  been wondering, what my response to terrorism should be. And honestly there is a part of me that is afraid. Afraid of that kind of hatred, afraid of what our world looks like, afraid of how to explain these kinds of events to my children.

Fear is a normal response when something terrible happens. Fear and our flight or fight instincts kept us alive for thousands of years. Fear is not an unhealthy feeling. But, fear becomes unhealthy when we are defined by it.

It does not escape me that this latest terrorist attack has occurred during Holy Week. The most sacred and celebrated week of the Christian calendar. And as I sit with these feelings and think about fear and anger and the climate of our culture I am reminded that there was a lot of fear in Holy Week for Jesus. Fear of dying a terrible death, anger at the money changers in the temple, a plea for there to be another way, frustration with his friends, betrayal by those closest to him, murder and madness all around him ...

However, what Jesus models for us as he lives through this very dark time in his life is a contemplative process that we should very much pay attention to in these uncertain times.

Yes, he is afraid. Yes, he gets angry. Yes, he pleas for a different end than crucifixion. And yet, he is still crucified. And yet, throughout the week he prays, and lives in community with his friends, and cries out to God, and suffers and spends time alone and breaks bread at the table, and is betrayed, and yet, he chooses to love.

His response, during the hardest, scariest time of his life is to love. He goes through the process of fear and anger and frustration but, he keeps his heart on God and his response is love.

Jesus does not let fear define him. Jesus is not motivated by revenge. Jesus' final act as a human being is sacrificial and it is beautiful and it is an act of pure unadulterated love.

And it strikes me that during this week, this holiest of weeks, that my response to terror also needs to be love. That while I am afraid, letting fear define me and motivate me just creates more anger and terror in this world. If I lose sight of humanity and grace and kindness, and all the good and beautiful things of this world, then the terrorists have won and love has lost.

I am disturbed by terrorism, yes. But, what disturbs me more is us as a country and as a society responding out of fear.

What disturbs me more is a man running for the highest office in this country playing off of our fears. A man that suggests that committing war crimes and building a wall are the right course of action because we are afraid.

Friends, will we let fear define us? Will we become a people who hates the other, who in our response to great tragedy wind up creating more tragedy by letting fear motivate us? Will we become a country who allows anger to be our default setting?

Are we ok with disavowing a whole religion because of the actions of a very few fringe members?

I am disturbed by people who claim Jesus and who are frothing at the mouth to eradicate thousands of people, who cheer when it is suggested that we murder terrorist's families, who are walking through this Holy Week with nothing but rage and revenge guiding them.

If we become a country of people who are motivated by fear, if we surrender reason and goodness to madness and let ourselves become a people who are governed by vengeance, if we ignore the problems in our own society and culture and solely blame others for our issues, if we advocate violence against the innocent then are we really any better than those who commit terrorist acts?

Let this week, this sacred, sacrificial, community and grace and hope in the face of great darkness, week be your guide as we walk through these troubling times.

Hold on to love in the face of fear. Let's love our neighbors, and our families, and our co-workers and everyone we come across a little bit better in spite of the fear.

Only love can cast out hate. Only grace and kindness can heal our hardened hearts.

May we be a people that live our lives as if every week were Holy Week. May we love strongly and more fully in the face of pain and tragedy. May we not give in to anger. May we seek to better understand those who are different. May we be a people that stand for love.

Blessings on your Holy Week.

Let your heart find courage in the good news:

Love Wins. Love Always Wins.

Cracked

In preparing for our upcoming move I have been carefully packing all of our worldly possessions. This is our 3rd move in about 2 years, and I've come to think of myself as kind of a packing pro. I carefully wrap everything up in dish towels or newspaper so that

 it will all fit just so.

Today I was putting all of my spiritual direction things in a box. Quietly reminiscing and giving thanks for each item and each person behind the item. And that's when it happened, I dropped my oh so carefully wrapped bowl and it broke in two before I even got it into the box.

As I stared at it in disbelief  I began to panic. This was given to me at our graduation by the spiritual direction board members. I have used it many times to hold anointing oil and it always sits on my dresser because I love and cherish it.

 In my panic, all I could think of was gluing it back together. Of making it whole again. 

So, I grabbed my hot glue gun and desperately tried to fix it. This was ill advised as hot glue doesn't really jive very well with ceramics and if I had taken a moment and just thought about it I probably could have come up with a better solution. But, all I could think of was my beautiful bowl and the beautiful people and memories behind it and in my sadness and impatience I hastily tried to fix it.

While the two pieces were now back together, there was also a dried line of ugly hot glue running down the center of them. I began to tear up as I realized that one of my favorite little things would never again serve it's original purpose of helping anoint people. It would always be flawed.

I cried for a little while (ok, a long while). And as I was crying I began to think of this move in a very negative light. I thought of all the things we are leaving behind, I pictured the new pre-school my kids would be attending and convinced myself that it would be horrible and that I was horrible for going back to work, I thought of how much I miss my spiritual director friends and our monthly class and I began to dwell on how another move means another round of boxes and moving vans, and another round of making new friends and settling into another home for our family.

 I felt as if I was ruining everything, just as I had ruined my little bowl. 

It was bleak, friends....and it was not even 9:00 am yet!

As I sat and looked at my poor little bowl (and continued to wallow in my sad pity party) I had the sudden realization that I am a lot like it. I've fallen a part a time or two and tried to glue myself hastily together because when it really comes down to it what I fear

 more than anything is brokenness.

The bowl no longer looks perfect,  I too no longer look perfect.

In fact I have more than a few cracks and as my life changes and as the Spirit shifts   

my purpose shifts and changes as well. 

And I began to look at my little bowl as a thing of beauty. Brokenness and our ability to recognize it and sit quietly with it does not mean that we are not whole. My ability to admit my brokenness and turn to God are what in fact make me whole. I so often sloppily try to pull myself together instead of recognizing brokenness as an opportunity to learn and to grow and to become more myself in Christ. 

When hard things happen, will I move forward with courage? 

Or will I throw it all away because of a few unexpected cracks? 

I carefully re-wrapped my bowl and put it in the box. I am bringing it with me, imperfections and all. 

May you remember that in brokenness there is great possibility. May you recognize that although you may have a few cracks, you are still whole.  And may you go forward, beautifully flawed, not ashamed of your imperfections but thankful. 

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me

    because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
    heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
    pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—

    and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
    give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
    a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness”
    planted by God to display his glory.
They’ll rebuild the old ruins,
    raise a new city out of the wreckage.

The things we cling to

The other day we had a church clean-up day...and it was enlightening. We've been in the same building for something like 5 decades and during that time we've accumulated some clutter. Being a non-sentimental person, it was interesting to me to see the different factions of people we had trying to clean out the church. There were a few others like me who wanted to quickly separate items into three piles: trash, garage sale, and things to keep. There were a few others who were a little more deliberate in their sorting through. And then there were a few who did not want to let go of anything. It was pretty fascinating to see all the different folks and all our different ways of deeming what was important and what wasn't.

As I sat there amidst piles of stuff, I began to think about the things we all cling to.

Material objects aren't really my deal. I purge our home often and without much thought. We've moved a lot recently and if I don't need it, I ain't taking it.

I don't cling to religion or to political ideals. Both of those things should be constantly changing and evolving since we as people should be constantly changing and evolving. I don't believe the same things I did a few years ago and that's as it should be, I think.

Where I find it hard to let go, is in my relationships with others. If I love you then I am loyal. If you are one of my people, then I'm with you till the end. Recently though, I'm becoming more aware about the flaw in this way of thinking.

Not too long ago, I had a friend who was a best friend. They were funny and smart and loyal. They liked all the same crap that I liked, we served together in ministry and lived our lives together. And then something pretty major happened in their lives and I witnessed this person whom I loved so much (for lack of a better word) just implode. I really tried to intervene and help and encourage and my efforts were rebuffed (as were the efforts of many others who loved this person). And I've had to watch from afar as this individual continues to make catastrophic decision after catastrophic decision. It's been terrible, truly heart wrenching and terrible to behold.

I've spent time worrying and fretting. I've spent time being angry and resentful. I've spent time judging them and their circumstances. I've spent time praying and crying. My time and energy and efforts have been given to this person... even though they'd made it clear they no longer wanted those things from me.

And until I sat in the midst of our clutter at church a few weeks ago, it never occurred to me just how harmful the things we cling to can be.

When our homes and our buildings are over run with things we no longer need we are being bogged down by possessions and we are robbing others who may genuinely need these things an opportunity to have them.

When we cling to rhetoric and religion, instead of allowing ourselves room to grow and room to hear new ideas and thoughts then we become people who are stuck in what was instead of being people who can embrace with love the world around us.

In clinging to a relationship that had long ago turned one sided, I was robbing myself of new relationships that were two sided. I was mired down in anger and fear and giving way too much of my time to something that had passed it's expiration date quite a while ago.

This morning I woke up and I prayed that I could let this person go. I prayed that they would be blessed and loved in their new life. When I think of them now, I hope that it is in fond remembrance of the good things and the good times and not in what could or should have been.

I sat quietly and meditated on the people who are positive influences in my life and in my heart and I am so thankful for each of you and the beauty you bring to my life. As I sat picturing all of the people who love me well I was overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every one of you.

It's so easy to hold onto things. It's so easy to ignore the clutter. But, when we do that we run the risk of our homes and our beliefs and our lives being take over by unhealthy junk. We fail to see what is new and life giving when we are covered up in the old.

By letting go of what was we make room for what is. By releasing our expectations and our habits of doing things the same way we've always done them we open ourselves up to new love and new ideas and we open up space in our hearts for a God that is always changing and always inviting us to newness.

What are the things that have passed their expiration date that you are currently clinging to?

What clutter do you need to clear out of your heart so that you may have room for what is new and life giving?

May you have the courage to clean out what is no longer useful in your hearts today, friends. And may you be blessed by the knowledge that when you let something hurtful go, you are enabling yourself to embrace something new and hopeful and beautiful in its place.

Seeing Beauty

I am a pretty typical introvert. An INFP on the Myers Briggs to be exact. I can remember a time before I had kids when I would run to the grocery store and not speak to anyone. My goal was to get my stuff and go through the self check-out line and get the heck outta there. Speaking to strangers is not really my deal, I enjoy the anonymity of big cities and large crowds. If I know you and I love you then I will talk to you all day, if I'm leading a class or speaking to a crowd, then I have no problem connecting and being present. But, I am not typically super friendly to you if you are a random person at Walmart.

Which makes the fact that my daughter is the most extroverted, friendly person that I have ever known kind of hilarious and awkward for her introverted, introspective mamma. Lily likes everybody, everyone she meets is her new best friend...and so, our trips to the grocery store become long drawn out meet and greets with literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON that we happen upon. And as much as Lily loves people, people love Lily just as much, if not more so. Most of the time, when she is talking away at people, I just smile and stop briefly and say about as little as possible to them before moving on. I answer their questions about the kids, "No, they aren't twins." "No, we didn't mean to have them 13 months a part." "Yes, she is very friendly, isn't she?" and then we push on to the next aisle where we go through the same song and dance over and over again.

To be honest, I get a little stressed out having to speak to every dang person at United in Borger whilst in my 4 year old pre-baby yoga pants that probably have boogers on them.

This morning while we were at the little Farmers Market here in town Lily struck up a conversation with a very sweet lady. They talked and laughed and I nodded and smiled and tried to make sure Levi didn't run into the street. I wasn't really listening or super involved in what they were saying as I was thinking about all the things we needed to do that morning.

As we were loading back into the car Lily said to me "Wasn't that lady so beautiful, mom?" And this question gave me pause, because the person that we were speaking to was certainly very kind and pleasant and had a very inviting smile but was not someone who I would have identified as being beautiful in the traditional sense. I asked Lily then what made the lady beautiful and she responded to me "She had a very happy heart."

I looked at my child who is so young and yet so very wise and realized how much she truly sees people without judgement and with grace. She saw a person that I would have overlooked 9 times out of 10 and saw her for what she was, a woman of great beauty because of her happy heart.

Sometimes I see the world through very jaded, impatient eyes. I look at people and see income or education, I look at people and quickly categorize them. I deem others worthy or unworthy by how they look, when I see them at all, because most of the time I am to busy and in my head to even notice. And I miss out on truly seeing people and their hearts because of my own preconceived notions.

I am thankful for the opportunity I now have to view the world through the kindness and love of my kids and I hope that especially on a day like 9/11 we cease to see what separates us as people and we can see people across nations and cultures and religions and political affiliations as they are. People created in the image of God.

My prayer today is that we can all begin to look at people the way Lily looks at people. That I can be present to the beauty that is in each and every person. Jesus was so right on when he spoke of the little children inheriting the kingdom and how we each needed to be more like them.

May you see like a child today, friends. May you see someone's heart instead of just seeing their clothes and their position in society. And may you remember that all it takes to be beautiful is a happy heart.

Creation Creating

Have you ever been involved in the creative process of something big? What was that like for you? Being in on something you believe in. Giving life to something you dreamed up. For me, there is nothing better than being with other creative souls and coming up with something new and beautiful and exciting.

I think a lot about how amazing it is that God is not only "The Creator" but a creator who asks his creations to join him in his creating. :)

Right now there is a desperate need in our churches, our communities, our denominations and our homes for people who create.

We find ourselves drowning in cynicism. It is so easy to criticize the way so and so does things or the music on Sunday morning. It is much harder to look at church and life and instead of critiquing, creating.

Deep within each of us is something that is unique and lovely and wholly ours. Something that was placed in our hearts by the supreme creator. When we draw closer to God we draw closer to ourselves and the rhythm of creation. Being in union with God brings forth such amazing things.

On the other end of the spectrum though, are those that are far from God and far from themselves. Folks who are dry spiritually cease being fruitful. Instead of looking at life and saying what can I bring, they look at life and ask "What's in this for me?"

And we've all been there, haven't we? In that place where criticism rolls so easily off our tongues. Where we forget that we are invited to be a part of a community that relies on each other to be the hands and feet and eyes of the body of Christ. A body that does not work very well without all of it's parts.

I think of the Pharisees, so quick to abide by what had always been done, so eager to point out Jesus's flaws, not really doing anything to further Love but doing everything they can to keep up the status quo.

Whereas Jesus was giving. Life was flowing out of him. He didn't agree with the way church was being done in his time so he created something different. He created opportunities for people to learn, he created true community, he created in a way that made other people realize that they too could create.

Is there strife in your congregation? Do you feel like there is a war raging in your place of worship or your home? What is your solution to the discord of this life?

Cynicism is easy because it requires nothing of you but stinging words and a negative heart. There is no fruit that comes from being a critic.

Creation on the other hand, requires a lot of us. In fact, I'd say, it requires all of us. And the fruit that comes from putting forth all of your effort and heart into making something beautiful is just amazing. It is also hard and scary....but well worth the fear to be a true part of the Body.

What lies within you is so vital to the health of your church. You have the ability to create and to bring forth life and to honor God with the work of your hands and of your heart. What a wonderful God we serve, one who inspires and invites his creations to continue his work of making all things new in love.

“Pay close attention now: I’m creating new heavens and a new earth. All the earlier troubles, chaos, and pain are things of the past, to be forgotten. Look ahead with joy. Anticipate what I’m creating: I’ll create Jerusalem as sheer joy, create my people as pure delight." - Isaiah 65:17-18

Deconstructing the Church so we can Reconstruct the Church

"If our love of God does not directly influence, and even change, how we engage in the issues of our time on this earth,

 I wonder what good religion is." 

- Richard Rohr 

A few weeks ago I spent several days in silence. And it was good and scary and it brought things to light that I have been avoiding. 

While sitting in silence I began to see clearly what has been dormant in my mind and in my heart for so long. I look at church in America (the universal church not any particular church) and I see anger and a desire to control and I see a lot of things we are against and not a lot of what we claim to be for. I see my own denomination falling apart because of petty arguments (falling apart as in losing 50,000 members a year) I see us ignore what is happening to our planet as we bicker and fight over politics and theology. I see thousands upon thousands of people leaving the church because we have lost sight of ourselves and of Jesus and what is left is a hollow and a poor imitation of what we should be. 

Somewhere along the way we have lost ourselves. Instead of being an organization that welcomes all people and that is on the front lines of social justice we have become an organization that oppresses. Quoting scripture, knowing all the rules, but having no love in our hearts does not the body of Christ make. 

For weeks I have felt disillusioned. I have raged and struggled and spent a lot of time in prayer and spent time talking through all of this with people close to me.

And through my anger and disappointment this came to light - It is very easy to deconstruct the church. It is very easy to look at it and to say "Man, this place is jacked and I am outta here." But, what's hard is trying to reconstruct. And reconstruct we must.

Are you dissatisfied with the church? Do you look at the landscape of Christians in our country and feel like we aren't loving people as we should? Then lets do something about it. The time for sitting in silence or just giving up on the church as a whole is over. Transformation only comes when we are ready and willing to move forward.

Deconstruction is necessary. Reconstruction is necessary. Getting back to loving people, living humbly and caring for those who don't have a voice is necessary.

The church has no business in politics and we certainly have no business being in debt up to our eyeballs. We have no business acting as the morality police.

Our business, our one and only business is to love.

And love is gentle. Love quietly helps others. Love turns the other cheek. Love ensures a better future for all of us because it takes care of the planet and every inhabitant. Love inspires. Love encourages a dialogue with people who are different than us. Love welcomes all. Love is invitational. Love listens. Love is for humanity. Love creates.

I love the church. I love the idea of a community of people living life together. And so I am committed to work for change. Even if that makes me unpopular. Even if that drops this blog readership down from 6 to 2 :) I will move forward with love and with hope.

There are already many people and congregations out there who are living all of this. Who are saying no to the status quo and who are bringing change to their community. If we all do what we can with what we've got then there will be widespread rebuilding.  There is hope for the church, there are wonderful people moving in the Body and in every death there is the chance for resurrection.

The time for reconstruction is now. It starts with you and I holding on to love, letting go of  what was, so that we can become what we were created to be.

After the Mud

I was able to go on a silent retreat this past week. It was refreshing and Holy and also shook me up in ways I can't yet properly express.

Silence is something I know that I need. And yet it is very rare that I seek it out. It's hard to be silent. It's hard to be open and vulnerable before God. It's hard to set down my agenda and just be.

It is so vital to our faith life though. Jesus models this need for silence many times in scripture. He knew the importance of being silent and of recognizing the Holy. He sought out this silence even though it was difficult and it didn't make sense to others. He did what he needed to do to be Present.

And so, last week I found myself driving from the Panhandle to Palestine with two grumpy toddlers, with a pit-stop at my parents house to deposit said toddlers on the way. It was hard for me to get there and I thought several times about not going. Valid excuses like distance, cost, and finding people to watch the kids kept coming to my mind,

There is always resistance when I'm headed somewhere deep.

In spite of the journey and all the mundane details that had to fall into place I found myself in Palestine on Tuesday, tired but thankful that I'd made it.

Wednesday morning I woke in silence, excited about the day. I set out right after breakfast to walk a trail around the lake. I love this trail. The scenery is beautiful and I was looking forward to seeing all the wildflowers in bloom and just communing with God in nature.

Not long into my walk I came upon about a 20 foot section of the trail that was flooded.

I stood there for a while thinking about what I should do. I'll admit I was pretty put out by all the mud. That trail is a favorite of mine and I had really been looking forward to my walk. Sadly I turned around to head back to my cabin. It came to me then that I was letting a little bit of mud stop me from something I really wanted to do. Why was I letting something so inconsequential interrupt my morning? Yes, I would get muddy but I'd also get to where I wanted to be. So, I rolled up my pants and kept going. 

  

My shoes got muddy, my pants got muddy, I almost busted it several times but I made it through. And right after the trail dried out I came upon just about every wildflower you could imagine. I saw deer and birds and butterflies. I had a wonderful, beautiful refreshing time with God in the midst of creation. And I almost missed it because of some mud. 

Maybe today your journey is looking pretty muddy. You could turn back to avoid getting dirty, that would be the sane thing to do probably. Or you could just roll up your pants and trust that on the other side of the mud are wildflowers.

May you continue on your path in spite of the obstacles. And may you be blessed by the beauty and the wisdom and the mud from your walk.