Cracked

In preparing for our upcoming move I have been carefully packing all of our worldly possessions. This is our 3rd move in about 2 years, and I've come to think of myself as kind of a packing pro. I carefully wrap everything up in dish towels or newspaper so that

 it will all fit just so.

Today I was putting all of my spiritual direction things in a box. Quietly reminiscing and giving thanks for each item and each person behind the item. And that's when it happened, I dropped my oh so carefully wrapped bowl and it broke in two before I even got it into the box.

As I stared at it in disbelief  I began to panic. This was given to me at our graduation by the spiritual direction board members. I have used it many times to hold anointing oil and it always sits on my dresser because I love and cherish it.

 In my panic, all I could think of was gluing it back together. Of making it whole again. 

So, I grabbed my hot glue gun and desperately tried to fix it. This was ill advised as hot glue doesn't really jive very well with ceramics and if I had taken a moment and just thought about it I probably could have come up with a better solution. But, all I could think of was my beautiful bowl and the beautiful people and memories behind it and in my sadness and impatience I hastily tried to fix it.

While the two pieces were now back together, there was also a dried line of ugly hot glue running down the center of them. I began to tear up as I realized that one of my favorite little things would never again serve it's original purpose of helping anoint people. It would always be flawed.

I cried for a little while (ok, a long while). And as I was crying I began to think of this move in a very negative light. I thought of all the things we are leaving behind, I pictured the new pre-school my kids would be attending and convinced myself that it would be horrible and that I was horrible for going back to work, I thought of how much I miss my spiritual director friends and our monthly class and I began to dwell on how another move means another round of boxes and moving vans, and another round of making new friends and settling into another home for our family.

 I felt as if I was ruining everything, just as I had ruined my little bowl. 

It was bleak, friends....and it was not even 9:00 am yet!

As I sat and looked at my poor little bowl (and continued to wallow in my sad pity party) I had the sudden realization that I am a lot like it. I've fallen a part a time or two and tried to glue myself hastily together because when it really comes down to it what I fear

 more than anything is brokenness.

The bowl no longer looks perfect,  I too no longer look perfect.

In fact I have more than a few cracks and as my life changes and as the Spirit shifts   

my purpose shifts and changes as well. 

And I began to look at my little bowl as a thing of beauty. Brokenness and our ability to recognize it and sit quietly with it does not mean that we are not whole. My ability to admit my brokenness and turn to God are what in fact make me whole. I so often sloppily try to pull myself together instead of recognizing brokenness as an opportunity to learn and to grow and to become more myself in Christ. 

When hard things happen, will I move forward with courage? 

Or will I throw it all away because of a few unexpected cracks? 

I carefully re-wrapped my bowl and put it in the box. I am bringing it with me, imperfections and all. 

May you remember that in brokenness there is great possibility. May you recognize that although you may have a few cracks, you are still whole.  And may you go forward, beautifully flawed, not ashamed of your imperfections but thankful. 

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me

    because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
    heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
    pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—

    and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
    give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
    a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness”
    planted by God to display his glory.
They’ll rebuild the old ruins,
    raise a new city out of the wreckage.

The things we cling to

The other day we had a church clean-up day...and it was enlightening. We've been in the same building for something like 5 decades and during that time we've accumulated some clutter. Being a non-sentimental person, it was interesting to me to see the different factions of people we had trying to clean out the church. There were a few others like me who wanted to quickly separate items into three piles: trash, garage sale, and things to keep. There were a few others who were a little more deliberate in their sorting through. And then there were a few who did not want to let go of anything. It was pretty fascinating to see all the different folks and all our different ways of deeming what was important and what wasn't.

As I sat there amidst piles of stuff, I began to think about the things we all cling to.

Material objects aren't really my deal. I purge our home often and without much thought. We've moved a lot recently and if I don't need it, I ain't taking it.

I don't cling to religion or to political ideals. Both of those things should be constantly changing and evolving since we as people should be constantly changing and evolving. I don't believe the same things I did a few years ago and that's as it should be, I think.

Where I find it hard to let go, is in my relationships with others. If I love you then I am loyal. If you are one of my people, then I'm with you till the end. Recently though, I'm becoming more aware about the flaw in this way of thinking.

Not too long ago, I had a friend who was a best friend. They were funny and smart and loyal. They liked all the same crap that I liked, we served together in ministry and lived our lives together. And then something pretty major happened in their lives and I witnessed this person whom I loved so much (for lack of a better word) just implode. I really tried to intervene and help and encourage and my efforts were rebuffed (as were the efforts of many others who loved this person). And I've had to watch from afar as this individual continues to make catastrophic decision after catastrophic decision. It's been terrible, truly heart wrenching and terrible to behold.

I've spent time worrying and fretting. I've spent time being angry and resentful. I've spent time judging them and their circumstances. I've spent time praying and crying. My time and energy and efforts have been given to this person... even though they'd made it clear they no longer wanted those things from me.

And until I sat in the midst of our clutter at church a few weeks ago, it never occurred to me just how harmful the things we cling to can be.

When our homes and our buildings are over run with things we no longer need we are being bogged down by possessions and we are robbing others who may genuinely need these things an opportunity to have them.

When we cling to rhetoric and religion, instead of allowing ourselves room to grow and room to hear new ideas and thoughts then we become people who are stuck in what was instead of being people who can embrace with love the world around us.

In clinging to a relationship that had long ago turned one sided, I was robbing myself of new relationships that were two sided. I was mired down in anger and fear and giving way too much of my time to something that had passed it's expiration date quite a while ago.

This morning I woke up and I prayed that I could let this person go. I prayed that they would be blessed and loved in their new life. When I think of them now, I hope that it is in fond remembrance of the good things and the good times and not in what could or should have been.

I sat quietly and meditated on the people who are positive influences in my life and in my heart and I am so thankful for each of you and the beauty you bring to my life. As I sat picturing all of the people who love me well I was overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every one of you.

It's so easy to hold onto things. It's so easy to ignore the clutter. But, when we do that we run the risk of our homes and our beliefs and our lives being take over by unhealthy junk. We fail to see what is new and life giving when we are covered up in the old.

By letting go of what was we make room for what is. By releasing our expectations and our habits of doing things the same way we've always done them we open ourselves up to new love and new ideas and we open up space in our hearts for a God that is always changing and always inviting us to newness.

What are the things that have passed their expiration date that you are currently clinging to?

What clutter do you need to clear out of your heart so that you may have room for what is new and life giving?

May you have the courage to clean out what is no longer useful in your hearts today, friends. And may you be blessed by the knowledge that when you let something hurtful go, you are enabling yourself to embrace something new and hopeful and beautiful in its place.

Seeing Beauty

I am a pretty typical introvert. An INFP on the Myers Briggs to be exact. I can remember a time before I had kids when I would run to the grocery store and not speak to anyone. My goal was to get my stuff and go through the self check-out line and get the heck outta there. Speaking to strangers is not really my deal, I enjoy the anonymity of big cities and large crowds. If I know you and I love you then I will talk to you all day, if I'm leading a class or speaking to a crowd, then I have no problem connecting and being present. But, I am not typically super friendly to you if you are a random person at Walmart.

Which makes the fact that my daughter is the most extroverted, friendly person that I have ever known kind of hilarious and awkward for her introverted, introspective mamma. Lily likes everybody, everyone she meets is her new best friend...and so, our trips to the grocery store become long drawn out meet and greets with literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON that we happen upon. And as much as Lily loves people, people love Lily just as much, if not more so. Most of the time, when she is talking away at people, I just smile and stop briefly and say about as little as possible to them before moving on. I answer their questions about the kids, "No, they aren't twins." "No, we didn't mean to have them 13 months a part." "Yes, she is very friendly, isn't she?" and then we push on to the next aisle where we go through the same song and dance over and over again.

To be honest, I get a little stressed out having to speak to every dang person at United in Borger whilst in my 4 year old pre-baby yoga pants that probably have boogers on them.

This morning while we were at the little Farmers Market here in town Lily struck up a conversation with a very sweet lady. They talked and laughed and I nodded and smiled and tried to make sure Levi didn't run into the street. I wasn't really listening or super involved in what they were saying as I was thinking about all the things we needed to do that morning.

As we were loading back into the car Lily said to me "Wasn't that lady so beautiful, mom?" And this question gave me pause, because the person that we were speaking to was certainly very kind and pleasant and had a very inviting smile but was not someone who I would have identified as being beautiful in the traditional sense. I asked Lily then what made the lady beautiful and she responded to me "She had a very happy heart."

I looked at my child who is so young and yet so very wise and realized how much she truly sees people without judgement and with grace. She saw a person that I would have overlooked 9 times out of 10 and saw her for what she was, a woman of great beauty because of her happy heart.

Sometimes I see the world through very jaded, impatient eyes. I look at people and see income or education, I look at people and quickly categorize them. I deem others worthy or unworthy by how they look, when I see them at all, because most of the time I am to busy and in my head to even notice. And I miss out on truly seeing people and their hearts because of my own preconceived notions.

I am thankful for the opportunity I now have to view the world through the kindness and love of my kids and I hope that especially on a day like 9/11 we cease to see what separates us as people and we can see people across nations and cultures and religions and political affiliations as they are. People created in the image of God.

My prayer today is that we can all begin to look at people the way Lily looks at people. That I can be present to the beauty that is in each and every person. Jesus was so right on when he spoke of the little children inheriting the kingdom and how we each needed to be more like them.

May you see like a child today, friends. May you see someone's heart instead of just seeing their clothes and their position in society. And may you remember that all it takes to be beautiful is a happy heart.

Creation Creating

Have you ever been involved in the creative process of something big? What was that like for you? Being in on something you believe in. Giving life to something you dreamed up. For me, there is nothing better than being with other creative souls and coming up with something new and beautiful and exciting.

I think a lot about how amazing it is that God is not only "The Creator" but a creator who asks his creations to join him in his creating. :)

Right now there is a desperate need in our churches, our communities, our denominations and our homes for people who create.

We find ourselves drowning in cynicism. It is so easy to criticize the way so and so does things or the music on Sunday morning. It is much harder to look at church and life and instead of critiquing, creating.

Deep within each of us is something that is unique and lovely and wholly ours. Something that was placed in our hearts by the supreme creator. When we draw closer to God we draw closer to ourselves and the rhythm of creation. Being in union with God brings forth such amazing things.

On the other end of the spectrum though, are those that are far from God and far from themselves. Folks who are dry spiritually cease being fruitful. Instead of looking at life and saying what can I bring, they look at life and ask "What's in this for me?"

And we've all been there, haven't we? In that place where criticism rolls so easily off our tongues. Where we forget that we are invited to be a part of a community that relies on each other to be the hands and feet and eyes of the body of Christ. A body that does not work very well without all of it's parts.

I think of the Pharisees, so quick to abide by what had always been done, so eager to point out Jesus's flaws, not really doing anything to further Love but doing everything they can to keep up the status quo.

Whereas Jesus was giving. Life was flowing out of him. He didn't agree with the way church was being done in his time so he created something different. He created opportunities for people to learn, he created true community, he created in a way that made other people realize that they too could create.

Is there strife in your congregation? Do you feel like there is a war raging in your place of worship or your home? What is your solution to the discord of this life?

Cynicism is easy because it requires nothing of you but stinging words and a negative heart. There is no fruit that comes from being a critic.

Creation on the other hand, requires a lot of us. In fact, I'd say, it requires all of us. And the fruit that comes from putting forth all of your effort and heart into making something beautiful is just amazing. It is also hard and scary....but well worth the fear to be a true part of the Body.

What lies within you is so vital to the health of your church. You have the ability to create and to bring forth life and to honor God with the work of your hands and of your heart. What a wonderful God we serve, one who inspires and invites his creations to continue his work of making all things new in love.

“Pay close attention now: I’m creating new heavens and a new earth. All the earlier troubles, chaos, and pain are things of the past, to be forgotten. Look ahead with joy. Anticipate what I’m creating: I’ll create Jerusalem as sheer joy, create my people as pure delight." - Isaiah 65:17-18

Deconstructing the Church so we can Reconstruct the Church

"If our love of God does not directly influence, and even change, how we engage in the issues of our time on this earth,

 I wonder what good religion is." 

- Richard Rohr 

A few weeks ago I spent several days in silence. And it was good and scary and it brought things to light that I have been avoiding. 

While sitting in silence I began to see clearly what has been dormant in my mind and in my heart for so long. I look at church in America (the universal church not any particular church) and I see anger and a desire to control and I see a lot of things we are against and not a lot of what we claim to be for. I see my own denomination falling apart because of petty arguments (falling apart as in losing 50,000 members a year) I see us ignore what is happening to our planet as we bicker and fight over politics and theology. I see thousands upon thousands of people leaving the church because we have lost sight of ourselves and of Jesus and what is left is a hollow and a poor imitation of what we should be. 

Somewhere along the way we have lost ourselves. Instead of being an organization that welcomes all people and that is on the front lines of social justice we have become an organization that oppresses. Quoting scripture, knowing all the rules, but having no love in our hearts does not the body of Christ make. 

For weeks I have felt disillusioned. I have raged and struggled and spent a lot of time in prayer and spent time talking through all of this with people close to me.

And through my anger and disappointment this came to light - It is very easy to deconstruct the church. It is very easy to look at it and to say "Man, this place is jacked and I am outta here." But, what's hard is trying to reconstruct. And reconstruct we must.

Are you dissatisfied with the church? Do you look at the landscape of Christians in our country and feel like we aren't loving people as we should? Then lets do something about it. The time for sitting in silence or just giving up on the church as a whole is over. Transformation only comes when we are ready and willing to move forward.

Deconstruction is necessary. Reconstruction is necessary. Getting back to loving people, living humbly and caring for those who don't have a voice is necessary.

The church has no business in politics and we certainly have no business being in debt up to our eyeballs. We have no business acting as the morality police.

Our business, our one and only business is to love.

And love is gentle. Love quietly helps others. Love turns the other cheek. Love ensures a better future for all of us because it takes care of the planet and every inhabitant. Love inspires. Love encourages a dialogue with people who are different than us. Love welcomes all. Love is invitational. Love listens. Love is for humanity. Love creates.

I love the church. I love the idea of a community of people living life together. And so I am committed to work for change. Even if that makes me unpopular. Even if that drops this blog readership down from 6 to 2 :) I will move forward with love and with hope.

There are already many people and congregations out there who are living all of this. Who are saying no to the status quo and who are bringing change to their community. If we all do what we can with what we've got then there will be widespread rebuilding.  There is hope for the church, there are wonderful people moving in the Body and in every death there is the chance for resurrection.

The time for reconstruction is now. It starts with you and I holding on to love, letting go of  what was, so that we can become what we were created to be.

After the Mud

I was able to go on a silent retreat this past week. It was refreshing and Holy and also shook me up in ways I can't yet properly express.

Silence is something I know that I need. And yet it is very rare that I seek it out. It's hard to be silent. It's hard to be open and vulnerable before God. It's hard to set down my agenda and just be.

It is so vital to our faith life though. Jesus models this need for silence many times in scripture. He knew the importance of being silent and of recognizing the Holy. He sought out this silence even though it was difficult and it didn't make sense to others. He did what he needed to do to be Present.

And so, last week I found myself driving from the Panhandle to Palestine with two grumpy toddlers, with a pit-stop at my parents house to deposit said toddlers on the way. It was hard for me to get there and I thought several times about not going. Valid excuses like distance, cost, and finding people to watch the kids kept coming to my mind,

There is always resistance when I'm headed somewhere deep.

In spite of the journey and all the mundane details that had to fall into place I found myself in Palestine on Tuesday, tired but thankful that I'd made it.

Wednesday morning I woke in silence, excited about the day. I set out right after breakfast to walk a trail around the lake. I love this trail. The scenery is beautiful and I was looking forward to seeing all the wildflowers in bloom and just communing with God in nature.

Not long into my walk I came upon about a 20 foot section of the trail that was flooded.

I stood there for a while thinking about what I should do. I'll admit I was pretty put out by all the mud. That trail is a favorite of mine and I had really been looking forward to my walk. Sadly I turned around to head back to my cabin. It came to me then that I was letting a little bit of mud stop me from something I really wanted to do. Why was I letting something so inconsequential interrupt my morning? Yes, I would get muddy but I'd also get to where I wanted to be. So, I rolled up my pants and kept going. 

  

My shoes got muddy, my pants got muddy, I almost busted it several times but I made it through. And right after the trail dried out I came upon just about every wildflower you could imagine. I saw deer and birds and butterflies. I had a wonderful, beautiful refreshing time with God in the midst of creation. And I almost missed it because of some mud. 

Maybe today your journey is looking pretty muddy. You could turn back to avoid getting dirty, that would be the sane thing to do probably. Or you could just roll up your pants and trust that on the other side of the mud are wildflowers.

May you continue on your path in spite of the obstacles. And may you be blessed by the beauty and the wisdom and the mud from your walk. 

Transformation

I love Easter. Really, it's my favorite day of the year. So much celebration and hope and excitement. I love everything about that joyous day.

It seems that I am not alone in my love for Easter because each year I see the church filled to overflowing. Everybody knows if you want to get a seat on Easter Sunday you gotta get there early. Who wouldn't want to celebrate the resurrection of the Savior? Amazing.

What is interesting to me is that as full as the church is on Easter, it is pretty empty on Maundy Thursday and Good Friday or at an opportunity to walk The Stations of the Cross during Lent. I would say church attendance during those experiences is probably 5-10% of what it is on Easter.

Easter draws a crowd because it is a celebration of Jesus having risen from the dead. It is a beautiful and necessary and vital part of our story as Christians. But just as vital is the last supper, and the crucifixion. Jesus suffered immensely during this time. He was betrayed by his friends, by his government, he was tortured and he died in a very brutal way.

It makes sense that we would want to be a part of the Easter story while skipping all the pain that led up to the resurrection. Who wants to remember pain and suffering, especially that of our Jesus?

 But the thing is you cannot have resurrection without a death and you cannot have a true transformation without some suffering.

We all want to be resurrected, we all want to be transformed but we'd rather skip the transformation process, because that means we are going to struggle and hurt and die and man who wants to do that?

When we take the suffering out of Jesus' story I feel like it cheapens the glory of His resurrection and it creates false expectations for our own lives. Avoidance of suffering with the expectation of transformation doesn't ever end very well in my experience :)

The glory of the Easter story is that even though Jesus suffered immensely there was new life, even though he struggled and felt abandoned by everyone (including his Father) there was a beautiful life changing transformation in Him. The Easter story in it's entirety reminds us that no matter how bad things may be that God is with us and that if we allow it, a new work is being done within each of us. A new work that is more glorious and beautiful than we could have ever imagined.

Suffering is a  necessary part of our existence. Through hardships we are made new if we choose to be made new. When we die to ourselves or to things that keep us away from God it is painful but it is so worth it because we discover that God Is. We discover the vastness of his love for us.

During this season I encourage you not to avoid or to dismiss Jesus' suffering or your own suffering  for that matter. But, to truly embrace it as a part of the transformation and resurrection story.

I leave you with a few lines from the Hymn of Promise. Which to me, perfectly captures the new life we find in the struggle.

Hymn of Promise

In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;
In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;
There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity,
In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

Without Projection

I found myself last night at fundraiser for a what I know is a good cause. As I was listening to speaker after speaker I found myself becoming agitated. The words I was hearing and the postures of the speakers were what I considered to be harsh.  I was hearing a lot about how evil the world was, how we must defend our faith, etc. I don't find the world evil as a whole. When I hear the term "defend our faith" all I can think of is arguing and being defensive. It troubles me to think of being on the defensive as I go out into the world.

Why wouldn't my posture just be one of love and not defense?

And when I hear people talking about Christians and non Christians in an us verses them kind of a way, I shut down.

After leaving the event my husband and I had a long conversation about it and in particular my feelings and judgement against people I see as having the wrong idea about scripture.

 As if my ideas were always right, right? When I sit in judgement against others because their version of Truth and their interpretation of scripture is different I am projecting my own issues onto them. I cease to hear their kindness and their devotion because it is packaged slightly different than my own. It is a hard thing to sit with someone who has different beliefs than you (even when you are in the same faith) and hold their statements without judgement.

The truth is their is an arrogance in me. An arrogance that views the world very narrowly. And when I approach life and people and ideas with an attitude of judgement I miss out.

The folks at the even last night do good work. They believe fully in what they are doing. They love others well through their ministry. They are a blessing in their community.

And I almost missed out on that blessing because of projecting my own  insecurities and ideals onto them. I almost missed out because I was judging what I perceived as their judgment of others.

Which is crazy.

If we could all set aside our snap judgments and our view that we are right and others are wrong, if we could hold others and their opinions in a Holy Space, where we just listen and love, imagine the peace and unity that could happen?

The posture of my heart

First Bloom of Spring

After the long cold winter we've been having I was so excited to find this little blossom in our backyard. It's been dark and cold and snowy for months and the sunshine and the promise of spring are a welcome sight.

What a great reminder that all things are made new. That spring will come no matter how long the winter. That new life is waiting under the soil for just the right season to emerge.

This lovely little daffodil reminds me of Revelation 21:5 that says: " And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new. '"

Today I am thankful for a God that makes all things new.

Certainty in the Uncertain

The older I get the more that I am certain that I don't know very much. I remember being in my 20's and being adamant and so sure about so many things.

It's uncomfortable admitting that I don't know anything and that I haven't got it all figured out. Unknowing is a messy business.  It's vulnerable and requires me letting go of my expectations.

And man, that's a bummer because I feel pretty entitled to my expectations.

Thomas Merton once said "We are all beginners."  And I find a lot of solace in that statement in regards to my faith. I am very much a beginner and the sooner I accept that the sooner I find comfort in the fact that God is not a beginner. That the Holy One has it down. Which means that I can rest and just be open to what He/She is asking of me.

This week I find myself in a period of waiting and of relinquishing control. When I find myself in these times I usually do one of two things
1. Freak out
or
2. To be still

This time, surprisingly, I choose to be still.

In the stillness of the last few days I was able to hear and to see and to experience God. While I was seeing and hearing and experiencing God it gave me space to step out of my own drama and insecurities.

I am relieved that I don't know how all of this will turn out, I am at peace that God asks me to just be still in the middle of hard times so that I can cling to Him.

I am certain in my uncertainty that God Is and that I am not.

Everything Shapes Us

 

It has been one of those endlessly frustrating days. Toddlers are sometimes merciless in their demands. Today was filled with tantrums and runny noses, with sibling on sibling crime at an all time high and many tears shed by not one of us but all of us on more than once occasion.

In the middle of a timeout I catch myself angrily scolding my daughter Lily and I stop momentarily to think about this little soul sitting in front of me. This precious, infuriating, button pushing almost 3 year old who for all her bark has a tender spirit and a fragile heart.

"Pray with her." speaks a voice out of  the silence. And so I do. We pray about hurt feelings and ask for help and strength and the words to speak up when we feel upset. We prayed for her little brother who is sick and her daddy who is at work. We prayed for each other and that we would both know just how much God loves us and how much we love each other.

At the end of the prayer I get a sweet chubby toddler hug and a mischievous smile that tells me the peace of the moment probably won't last all that long. But, that's alright. All we needed was a moment to recognize God in our impatience and in each other.

Children are the most effective way of showing us that we are not in control. My children push and inspire me to lean not on my own understanding. To let go of the way things should be, to surrender my plan of how the day should go and to try to learn how to embrace the beauty in each crumb covered, beautiful, sacred moment.

When mom doesn't have the words to comfort or to teach, it's ok because God always has the words and the space and the love to cover us.